Kiss the Hand That Feeds You

I have become a fearful adult. One who is afraid of the world, scared of others, and desperately in fear of being seen. I have grown into a woman who fears many things, both rational and irrational, and while fear is a natural human response to this world and its conditions, it is not one that allows for much freedom or joy. When I have a plethora of fear, debilitating and crushing fear, I tend to hang back from life and isolate myself from any and all threats. This may be okay for a bit, depending on how I define 'threat' in any given moment. However, I have found myself as an adult, feeling threatened by the world and all other people around me, to the point where my heart is being starved by the walls I have built to keep them all out. The few that I let into my walls still encounter plenty more barriers. Nary a soul here on Earth besides my own knows the full extent of what exists within my mind and heart.

You see, I have experienced great hurt here in this world and at the hands of others. I have been sexually violated, I have been disempowered and I have been betrayed. I have been manipulated and coerced. I have been belittled, taken advantage of, and cast aside like nothing. My dreams taken from my hands, stomped upon, and used to benefit another. I have been physically wounded by another's carelessness and mistakes. I have been abandoned by fellow humans who asked for my trust before murdering it, and by lovers and soulmates who no longer live in the physical world. That is why I fear others. I fear the ways in which I allow them to steal me from myself and leave me hurt and alone. These are the experiences that paint my past and will follow me into my future. These are the wounds that sting when a stranger glances my way and smiles, looking for a connection. 

But perhaps my greatest wound of all is that I choose to bear these pains alone. Often in solitude and in silence, I choose to focus on other things, things that keep me from feeling the extend of my pain, until the moment comes when a drop slips through the cracks and the levee breaks. Floods endured, and I am still alone. Even more, there are plenty of people in my life who are not only safe to meet deep down in the wells of my heart, walls having been mostly torn down, but also encouraging of it. They seek me out and offer their ladder to help me climb out of my depths. Even then, I choose to endure life alone. 

So I’ve decided to get to the bottom of my automatic response to endure life’s cruelness without a hand to hold. Without grasping the hands that reach out to hold me. I have discovered that no matter how painful the events of my past, however much they have colored my experiences and my present day, I shan't allow them to spoil my own heart! To darken my mind or close me off, once and for all. For all of the moments that I hear a voice telling me how no one will understand and that no one will be able to accept me, I hear four more that remind me of how truly loved I am. How even the smallest moment of empathetic understanding, of someone seeing me and relating to my sorrows and my suffering, can plant seeds in even the most barren of fields within my heart.

So, dear ones, we must open our hearts, as much as they scream to stay closed. Oh, how they will scream like their lives depend on it! And alas, they do. As we open our hearts our pain finds an escape, a route to freedom, and our hearts will rejoice in the space and the calmness that is left behind. Without this freedom, without allowing love into the space that once was occupied by pain, the life of the heart will surely fade, as will the soul in your body until you find yourself weighed down entirely by this world. 

Reach out to the fellow humans who have proven time and time again that they are committed to understanding you, loving you, and being connected to you just as you seek to connect to them! Take their hand when it extends to you. Better yet, know that you may ask for it! Look to the people who listen and connect to you when you share, whatever vulnerable depths you are spelunking, let them in just a little further, and a little further yet. Let them witness the deeply beautiful, mystical, divinely messy order that lives within your heart and bask in the love is given back to you in return. 

We are not meant to be alone. We cannot possibly survive this world alone, it would break our hearts and our minds. Tear them down with endless might. We are not meant to be alone. Our journey may be just that, our own, but we are always given the option to walk side by side with other warriors who walk their own path close by. 

We are always surrounded by the love that we need to carry on. The question remains, are you going to open your heart and allow yourself to receive it?

Photo by Elias Maurer on Unsplash